Thursday, February 02, 2006

Groundhogese

That being the official language of Punxsutawney Phil -- your favorite groundhog and mine.

Today, Punxsutawney Phil (P.P.) made his 119th State of the Union's Weather Address.

The result: six more depressing weeks of winter.

My spirits were high, but they were smashed down by that furry little rodent's supernatural sensory abilities in weather prediction. I'm considering having a nervous breakdown, going to intensive psychotherapy, and mailing P.P. my bills.

So, moving from P.P. to another, here are my favorite quotes from Dubyah's State of the Union Address:

"Tonight the state of our Union is strong -- and together we will make it stronger." -- Like he was gonna say "it's weak, and you morons are making it worse!"

"America rejects the false comfort of isolationism. We are the nation that saved liberty in Europe, and liberated death camps, and helped raise up democracies, and faced down an evil empire. Once again, we accept the call of history to deliver the oppressed and move this world toward peace." -- Look what I can do!

"Our offensive against terror involves more than military action. Ultimately, the only way to defeat the terrorists is to defeat their dark vision of hatred and fear by offering the hopeful alternative of political freedom and peaceful change." -- See, we fight terrorists with Hope. And hopefully we'll win; as long as Hope is on our side.

"And now the leaders of Hamas must recognize Israel, disarm, reject terrorism, and work for lasting peace. " -- Funny, I don't think those ideals are on the Hamas platform...

"We show compassion abroad because Americans believe in the God-given dignity and worth of a villager with HIV/AIDS, or an infant with malaria, or a refugee fleeing genocide, or a young girl sold into slavery." -- And we show it by making false promises to the people of Africa and protecting corrupt leaders in Haiti.

"The only alternative to American leadership is a dramatically more dangerous and anxious world." -- We are the Valium, the Paxil, and the Zoloft of the world.

"In the last two-and-a-half years, America has created 4.6 million new jobs -- more than Japan and the European Union combined." -- Did you know: In 2003, GM and Ford employed almost 700,000 people? That's over 15% of those "new jobs." So when they get laid off, they'll have somewhere else to go, right?

"Every year of my presidency, we've reduced the growth of non-security discretionary spending, and last year you passed bills that cut this spending. This year my budget will cut it again, and reduce or eliminate more than 140 programs that are performing poorly or not fulfilling essential priorities." -- This is the real cost of War. 140 programs that are not essential priorites because they are not "security" related. Here is an interesting article on how much some of these 140 programs cost. And not to mention that total federal spending has increased by 42%

"America is addicted to oil..." -- I'm yo' pushaaaaa!!!!

"We'll also fund additional research in cutting-edge methods of producing ethanol, not just from corn, but from wood chips and stalks, or switch grass." -- Switch Grass???? WTF?

"Tonight I announce an American Competitiveness Initiative, to encourage innovation throughout our economy, and to give our nation's children a firm grounding in math and science." -- 'Cuz today's youngsters cain't count so good.

"we must never give in to the belief that America is in decline" -- Deny everything.

"Tonight I ask you to pass legislation to prohibit the most egregious abuses of medical research: human cloning in all its forms, creating or implanting embryos for experiments, creating human-animal hybrids..." -- What about Mr. Tumnus? Can he stay?

"let us also work for the day when all Americans are protected by justice, equal in hope, and rich in opportunity." -- I'm sorry, but shouldn't we be rich in hope, and equal in opportunity...?

"We've entered a great ideological conflict we did nothing to invite. " -- I didn't do it, no one saw me do it, can't prove a thing!

"Before history is written down in books, it is written in courage. " -- See, before it's written, it's written, but on different stuff. It's written in soft and fluffy things like rhetoric.

"May God bless America." -- Or you can go to Hell.

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