Wednesday, March 30, 2005

Booty-luctable

I have recently become aware of a serious problem facing our society today. Hip-hop culture has been generous enough to grace us with a term that we can use to describe women of large posterior: ghetto booty. Now the problem I spoke of isn't the use of this term...so much as the over-use. For years I have stood by the wayside and heard people describe a "big ol' butt" as "ghetto," and that, frankly, is incorrect. So, once and for all, I have decided to clear up this matter.

Several years ago, me and my bro came up with what we called the "booty-line." In essence, it's a scale with which all booties fall into. Most people have simple, three-step scale: lack of an ass, ass, and ghetto booty. Incorrect. There are actually 7 different classifications of booty.

Nosatol - This isn't so much a booty as it is a serious affliction. Hundreds of thousands of women a year suffer from Nosatol (alt. pronunciation "No Ass at All"). These women don't have any ass at all. Instead, they just have a very long back. Serious cases of Nosatol can actually result in ones booty becoming concave.

Lil' Booty - The lil' booty is most commonly found on tiny asian women. Tiny asian women with lil' booties are some of the most beautifully shapen women on the planet. This booty has shape and symmetry, but isn't obtuse. Scrawny women aren't the only ones who sport this booty, but they do sport it best.

Booty - This is the booty that fits the majority of women. Ample, supple, but not disproportionate. Women packin' booty typically have hourglass figures, not pear shapes. When you see a woman and say "hey, she's gotta nice ass," it's generally a booty. Think: Katie Holmes.

Ghetto Booty - This is the section I know you've been waiting for. Now, this is my personal booty of preference. Plump, supple, firm, more than two decent handfuls. These booties are perfect for all sorts of activities ranging from long stays in bleachers at sporting events, to lengthy boat outings. Consider cutting a basketball in half and shovin' it down the back of some chicks jeans -- now, you got a ghetto booty. You've seen these women in all sorts of rap videos. Many latino women carry a ghetto booty, however, I don't want this to get confused with the next classification of booty...

Ghettoooww Booty - To pronounce, simply place the emphasis on the last syllable and drag it out a bit. This is a classification left solely to those women who think they sport a ghetto booty, but are actually way too phat in the ass.
These ghetto booties are too big to be pleasing to the eye. They are awkward, generally misshapen, and difficult to control which can often result in third party injury, typically, on the dance floor. But don't worry ladies, there is still hope for you. Simply invest in Jane Fonda's "Bun's of Steel" and work that ghettoooowwww booty down to a booty-luctable ghetto booty and you will be on your way to music video stardom.

Big Ol' Butt - Here is where we get to the classifications of booty that are simply much too much too large. Rosie O'Donnell has a big ol' butt. I mean, big, really big, but not the kind of big you want to reach out and grab. More like the kind of big that makes you want to dive out of the way. However, it does not make overt attacks on ones personal "bubble." Theirs' are more subtle.

DAMN! - Yes, that's right, the seventh and largest size booty is DAMN. When you see this booty, you will know it. You will look at it and say "DAMN!" These women have a hard time fitting on escalators. It seems almost as if these women walk with their asses. Their ass controls their every movement. Do not come within close proximity to these booties because they WILL knock you down and recent legislation has released them from liability.

Now you know, and knowing's half the booty.

Holla @cha Daego

3 comments:

Anonymous said...
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Anonymous said...

Hot blog daego. I usually only though of like 4 or 5 classes of butts for females. And to answer Carrot's question I'd have to go with booty.

Big Momma said...

King Noassatol (your spelling is incorrect), your ranting is all about your own inadequate bootie....vocab credit to Big Daddy